


without you i'm nothing (at all)

by panicparade



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco, Young Veins
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Panic At The Disco (Band), Post-Split, Ryan-centric, Tour Bus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 04:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4551330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panicparade/pseuds/panicparade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s his barely contained curiosity, his need to be involved, his fear at being left behind. It’s the way he never hovers when Ryan comes over, the way he waits till Ryan beckons to come sit beside him and let Ryan lean on him. </p>
<p>It’s because he became Ryan’s strength and Ryan never fucking noticed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	without you i'm nothing (at all)

**Author's Note:**

> Just go with it. I don't know where this came from but I just had massive feels for the old days. Shameless Ryan Feels. 
> 
> I blame Placebo for this. All credits go to them - for the title and lyrics used. 
> 
> Also, bandom, I missed you.

i. _strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide_

 “Sing for me.”

Ryan wants to take back the words the moment they escape. He’s usually so good at keeping his thoughts to himself, he should have known then and there that this boy standing in front of him was going to prove equally good at tearing down his walls and bringing his thoughts forward.

He should have run away. He should have made Brendon leave. He should have . . .

Either way, over thinking never helps. So Brendon sings, he falls in love and the rest they say is one big fuckin mess of history.

Not that he falls in love with Brendon’s singing. Nope. There’s no doubt about it that Brendon is beyond any doubt brilliant. But that’s not why Ryan finds himself tracking his movements across the room everytime he stays over.

It’s his barely contained curiosity, his need to be involved, his fear at being left behind. It’s the way he never hovers when Ryan comes over, the way he waits till Ryan beckons to come sit beside him and let Ryan lean on him.

It’s because he became Ryan’s strength and Ryan never fucking noticed.

 

ii. _such imagination seems to help the feeling slide_

“Where were you?”

Is something Ryan never asks. He’s never been a masochist. So he stays quiet.

He writes. He tears up pages. He breaks pens and let’s the ink bleed onto him. There’s a blue handprint on the window next to his bunk. He wants to add more, make a rainbow because cliches can be so ironical.

Spencer notices, of course he does. The day Spencer stops noticing is the day Ryan knows he’s fucked up the one good thing in his life. He has an ongoing bet with himself over when that will happen.

He keeps loosing.

Either way, while Brendon enjoys growing up, Ryan enjoys watching the band crumble as Brent leaves.

 

iii. _instant correlation sucks and breeds a pack of lies_

 “What’s up between you and Pete?”

Pete is a distraction and a blessing. Ryan keeps writing and Spencer keeps noticing.

Thankfully they have Jon now so Spencer’s attention is divided.

Ryan knows it isn’t healthy. Of course it’s not. They’re both in love in with someone else. Someone they know they can’t have. Misery breeds company and desperation leads to bad ideas.

But the thing is, this thing with Pete is also makes feel the healthiest he has in a while. He feels, not whole, never whole, but he feels like there’s more than just sitting in his bunk, waiting for the quiet thunk that tells him Brendon’s back before he can let himself fall asleep.

Pete makes Ryan laugh.

Ryan makes Pete want to forget.

They each make the other _feel_.

There’s a second ink-print on his window now, a smaller hand.

 

iii. _over saturation curls the skin and tans the hide_

 “Are they together now?”

There’s no one happier than Ryan when Patrick finally realises what’s always been in front of him.

Nobody believes him.

Spencer hovers, Jon gets him high and Brendon. Brendon stays with him.

Ryan sometimes wonders if maybe people around him just like to hear what they want to hear. He wonders if maybe words just have more power when they’re written on paper than when spoken out loud.

He wonders if maybe words just don’t work for him.

But Brendon stays, he stays and Ryan feels like they’re back in his shitty apartment. If not for the ease with which Brendon holds himself now, Ryan would almost believe they’re back there.

It stays the same till Audrey comes to spend a few days and Ryan goes back to his pen’s that bleed ink.

 

iv. _i'm unclean, a libertine_

“How could you do that to her?”

Keltie is a breath of fresh air.

She isn’t as distracting as Pete, he doubts anyone can be, but she is refreshing and Ryan feels like he can breathe a little easier.

She doesn’t make him write, his words still come for someone else but at aleast they’re still there.

He’s almost convinced he can spend his life surrounded by her when Brendon gets drunk and knocks on his door at 2 in the morning.

It’s not like he’s ever been able to say no to Brendon.

He’s imagined his first time with Brendon a lot. It’s nothing like that. It’s better because it’s happening for real but it’s worse because Brendon clearly won’t remember any of it in the morning. Ryan still lets himself fall back on the bed and pull Brendon with him. Help him get undressed.

Brendon passes out on top of him and Ryan spends the night locked in the bathroom.

He never meant to let Keltie know, she was supposed to be his one chance at a picket fence but he’s exhausted all his lies with Spencer so the truth comes out.

He should be used to Spencer’s disappointed look by now but it hurts fresh each time.

 

v. _your slippin' slowly from my reach_

“That’s it, then.”

South Africa is a disaster that’s been brewing in the corner for ages.

Ryan convinces himself it’s okay, they need this, it hasn’t been working for a while.

Nothing makes Spencer’s resigned expression better. They talk about legalities and staying in touch. They talk about revenue and songs. They talk about everything. Brendon and Ryan don’t talk.

It’s fine because Ryan knows it’s time to start moving forward now. He’s spent the last few years holding onto something that wasn’t his to hold onto and maybe he is a masochist.

Jon grieves but at least he has Spencer to comfort him. Spencer’s there for him too but Ryan feels like he’s done with stretching Spencer too thin, he’s held him back for too long.

Z is a mess. A beautiful mess that attracts Ryan from the first minute and he knows he can hold onto that. Alex is a better distraction than Pete.

They keep him calm, they keep him sane. They make him write.

When Ryan buys his new house they help him make ink-prints on his windows.

He manages to spend a week without thinking of Brendon and considers it a victory.

 

vi.   _you never see the lonely me at all_

 “Hey.”

He’s in the middle of a conference-call-”what are you wearing?” kind of thing with Z and Alex when Brendon rings his doorbell.

It’s been four months, he’s proud of the way he manages to hold onto his smile when he opens the door. He’s shirtless but that’s never made it awkward before. What makes it awkward is Alex asking, more like shouting, on speaker if he’s naked yet.

Brendon smirks, Ryan rolls his eyes and cuts the call. He internally rejoices at the regret he feels at having to do so, even though Brendon is right in front of him.

They don’t talk. They sit in his backyard and stare at the trees, the purple flamingo Jon gifted him, the half built barbecue and the cigarette stubs littered around the yard.

It’s relaxing.

Brendon comes back a week later and somehow, when Ryan wasn’t paying attention, this becomes a routine.

He’s not expecting it when Brendon brings over Panic!’s new CD but he puts it in and they spend four hours listening to it on repeat.

Before Brendon leaves, Ryan hugs him, touching him willingly and without hesitation for the first time since that night.

If Brendon holds on for longer than normal, Ryan doesn’t pay it any attention.

 

vii. _i take the plan, spin it sideways I fall_

“Are you breaking up with me?”

It’s Z and Alex who bring it up.

He refuses to believe it. He may be lost in his own head at times but he’s pretty sure he would notice if Brendon had suddenly developed feelings for him.

They laugh at him and say they don’t appreciate being a bit on the side. So they break with him and they end up watching Home Alone and falling asleep on Ryan’s couch.

He can’t help but think about theirs words when Brendon comes over three days later.

They talk a lot now, about everything and anything. Band topics are avoided only because the other feels it might be awkward. They’re in the middle of an argument about what to name a pet fish when Ryan blurts out Z and Alex’s theory.

Brendon stares at him. Blinks. Smiles softly and asks Ryan out to dinner.

Ryan refuses and asks Brendon to leave because he can’t believe they would all play such a cruel joke on him.

Brendon comes back the next day and asks again. And again the day after. And the day after that.

Ryan finally says yes a month later.

 

viii. _without you, I'm nothing at all_

 “Sing for me.”

Nobody seems surprised at seeing them together but Ryan. He starts a new bet with himself, Spencer tells him to stop being an idiot.

There are still days when Ryan wakes up, convinced it was dream. He stays convinced till he feels Brendon’s arms wrap around his waist, his chest against his back.

Brendon is good at reassuring him. He’s good at letting Ryan know of his presence, he’s good at reminding Ryan this is for real.

He’s still good at being Ryan’s strength.

There's a new ink print on his bathroom mirror, overlapping his.   



End file.
